I don’t know how to start this or say this. It’s too hard to encapsulate in a single post, but I started it out an instagram post, and felt it needed to be upgraded to a blog. Becuase if I don’t share it soon, I’m afraid I’ll delay and put it off. Or disobey what I’ve been told to do, by somebody pretty high up. Because I need accountability sometimes.

God has laid something on my heart lately, specifically, for a group of people I’ve never tried to serve or help, other than my friends IRL of course. But it’s a group of people who I care deeply about and want so badly to see succeed and thrive. That group is MOMS.

Moms who want to stay home with their babies, but can’t because of financial constraints and needing to help their family’s bottom line. Moms who have transitioned back to the workforce but no longer find it fulfilling the part of their soul that aches to serve and be useful. To matter, and to help people with their unique talents and gifts. Moms who are working from home on someone else’s business, building someone else’s empire, who dream of doing something for themselves, but don’t know quite how to get there.

As many of you know, I discovered my accidental and not so accidental business before I became a mother, so I had the blessed opportunity to continue working from home and contributing to our family’s finances, which it was and is necessary for me to do. I was working and building my bridal accessories business long before kids. Burning the midnight oil while going to a full time day job. Burning the candle at both ends, so to speak. But I knew it would be worth it if the business succeeded, because I knew it could afford me the freedom in my lifestyle and work I knew I wanted.

Then, a few years later I re-invented my first love  (and first few REAL jobs) of web and graphic design by beginning to freelance. That freelancing business started to take off and became a real business, with clients, employees and contractors. It has been a joy to see it grow. And it is not going away, by the way, just to be clear.

But over the last few days, God has laid something heavy on my heart, and it feels as though it’s burroughing deep into my soul. It’s weighing on me and sitting with me. It has not left my mind since it first came to me last week. I’ve prayed for it to be removed if it is just a distraction.

In fact, this weekend I spent all of Friday night and Saturday (today) at a leadership retreat with my church. I asked God, why me? Why are you putting this burden on my soul? I already have a business (or two)- why don’t I just serve them? Those people? How do I even move forward with this? And He said, “follow my lead.”

Well, ok Lord. Obviously, I’m prepared to follow this guy just about anywhere. So, I’m game. But I asked him why this was happening and what the end game is here — what is the goal? Could I have even just a clue? To which he replied, “This is not the hardest thing I will ask you to do.”

Heart thud. Ugh. That hurts. Tears welled up – I thought instantly of my children. Does he mean them? Is something terrible going to happen? Does he mean something with my loved ones? Is someone at risk?

But after feelings of fear started to creep in I remembered who I was talking to. The Lord God. The One who loves me. Who is for me. And I felt that in that answer of “this is not the hardest thing…”, the Spirit was showing me He needed to put callouses on my hands. To free my soul from the desperate desire it has to perform, achieve, be seen as successful, and enough. It will be an exercise, of sorts. And I don’t have to know the outcome to be obedient. Isn’t that what we tell our daughter when she argues or hesitates to obey? “Obey all the way, right away, and with a happy heart.”

Ok, Lord. I hear you. You win, because you are good, and I can trust you. Every time. I don’t have a specific agenda or news to share just yet. I just know, I’m on mission. And I’m ready and willing to follow his lead.

<3, Haley